I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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