Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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