That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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