apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize