I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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