My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize