If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
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He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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