u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
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I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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