last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
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just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
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I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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