I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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