My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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