And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
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I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
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I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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