News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize