You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
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Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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