our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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