tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize