Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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