Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize