Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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