My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
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I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
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I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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