I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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