come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
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She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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