I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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