We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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