Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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