My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
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how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize