I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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