The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
ttyl tear gas
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize