I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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