Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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