"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
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A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
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