Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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