none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
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