How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
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i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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