my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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