Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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