On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize