just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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