Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize