Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
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I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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