If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
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I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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