you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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