You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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