I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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