At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We just shotgunned beers for America
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
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