I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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