you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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