FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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