Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
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He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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