Moan for me like Helen Keller
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
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I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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